i know what you mean about the red flag and all.. lol.. is just i feel that i still have some cards to play because well i got into this relationship when i shouldnt have. he is young .. loooottt younger and well men dont really mature as fast as we do.. well.. they dont mature period
but i think.. that if maybe i hold on a little and see if maybe it makes a difference i wont hate myself later for what could have been..at least i know i tried.

as far as the other entry i wrote.. that obiously doesnt show.. because mdd is being stupid.. is that i know what you mean about the whole economy thing.. been there.. well.. not back in the days where an engagements ring cost that little.. but in your time now.. when i was living philly.. i played the hat draw too.. well minus the hat.. i picked which bill i was going to pay that month.. so 1 months it will be the electric the next month it will be cable and so on but i never went more than 2-3 months without paying a bill...and i too was tankful that at least i wasnt living in the street.. and was a live and well..

  I wish that all of us had partners who brought out the best in us; but it seems so hard to find that relationship. It's out there somewhere, and maybe it is your husband who is the right one for you--or maybe it is not.
I hope you are both able to see clearly which is the case, and live your lives accordingly. I certainly see a sweet lady every time I drop in for a visit, and I can't imagine why your husband wouldn't see the same.......

  Prayers sent for both of you in this serious matter, and for your strength in particular. You do have friends, and we are here to help in any way we can and whenever you need someone to remember you in prayer I am always willing to be one of your warriors. Take care, Michael.

 I hope that your hair came out great and that you are pleased with it! 

   That time of the month seems to cause me more symptoms.

  How are things with the bipolar?

   Thinking of you and sending some love your way!,

              Jewel

  I pray this will be the beginning of a chapter of your life/marriage that you will look back on with much thankfulness. I'm glad you get top keep your kitty, too.
  It sounds like you have the perfect attitude to turn this move into a life-changing blessing, and I'm looking forward to hearing your "follow ups" on it. Hope you have a nice weekend, and I'll see you later. Michael

i say screw the therapist!!!

u r being a GREAT mother by worrying about your kids safety before your own!!!

now im only 13 but I'M atleast smart ebough to know u put your kids before yourself...

you know u gotta do what you gotta do... if your husband puts others before his family... sorry to say but hes not the kind of guy u want to think as of leaving your kids SAFE with him.... he'd probably let them make mac o roni and cheese by them selves... now i dont know how old ur kids r but im sure they r not old enough to be on their own...

keep doing wat ur doing... now it sucks to say but i dont think hes the right 1 4 u if he puts his JOB before u and the kids!!!!

wat a dush!!!

and as much as i want it to work out 4 u guys... its not going to if he doesnt change...

just put your faith in god... pray every noght .... and believe....

ill pray 4 u...

GOOD LUCK!!!

madi

aka

crazychika121

   Heart Hugs for missing your aunty! Thank YOU for the note and the compassion! 

   Forgive me for being behind in your entries but I've not been online much. 

    You are sooooo right God can heal our emotional wounds.. i needed to be reminded of that! 

     Have a Blessed day DearOne!

    Love,

      Jewel

Dear  Sister,

 Thank YOU so mcuh for the loving note! Hearing from you brightened my day and made me smile!

  I do think of you often, wonder how you are,  pray that you are doing well!

   Thank  YOU for the invitation to write. I hope that you know that you can email me at anytime at jewelietsparkles@hotmail.com 

   I was glad to read that you are getting your business back on track! Go  YOU!

   Have a blessed day!

   Love,

     Jewel

 you know what they say

 live every moment

as if your last

 like dignified bark my character founds itself

 the tree bears fruit of experience and the path to it

 can  be attained only, by walking

 why this here? huh?

 because branches need pruning and

come to think of it

 a laxative juice mig

 ht curb this syntaxical diarrea

 of the type-set,

  err my elbow is in my ear?

I cant stand CA anyway.  What kind of person would you be if you fit in there????LOL......

I hope things turn out alright for you, dear.  Go and quiet your mind and heart.  Have a good time and take care of yourself.  If my kids were a bit older Id be in Buenos Aires smoking a Marlboro Medium in a tango club so take advantage of the opportunity.

femmegirl

femmegirl

 I think that Kris is right...My doctors and therapist recently wanted me to take a 'Vacation' at a mental health facility to give me a break from stress and to get my meds properly regulated...Yours sounds so much better!

   I'm so glad that you are going..I pray that your trip is relaxing, renewing and productive.

  Keep us posted!

 Love,

    Jewel

Heart Hugs..It's good to hear soemthing from you...I've been concerned...Hope that you keep us posted.

  Much Love,

     Jewel

It's moments like these that I seek peace
A brief moment of rest and repose...
So many things cloud my brain
So much heart ache so much pain-
You say you do nothing wrong
I must always take the blame.
Well, it doesn't matter I've spoiled my name
You can't say that you cared enough to do the same
Where are we going anyway?
If it's not one thing
It's another-
Tell me that you love no other
Then I find you have another lover.
Don't tell me it's over
Give me half a chance
Time is changing me and circumstance
Please don't let your attention leave me.
This isn't how I want it to be
Something always wants the death of me
And I keep waiting patiently
But the answers never come.
Am I the only one
Or should I move on?

I tried to look you up on my space but I couldn't find you. I have two my space pages.

myspace.com/thepreacher14711

myspace.com/bones14711

Dearone,

  You have been strongly in my thoughts and prayers all weekend. 

  You are in a full blwon manic-depressive episode..You need to call Kris ASAP ...Please, your life and sanity depend upon it. 

 Please update soon and let us know how you are today.

  I get suicidal thoughts when I am in a full-blown depressive state. 

  I'm very concerned.

  Please let me hear from you.

    Love,

      Jewel

(((((((((((((((Sister))))))))))))))) Heart Hugs...I'm so sorry that your addiction is hurting you and your family so much. I will be praying for you each morning to beat this thing...I know how hard it is. I also know that God can give you are Miracle.

    Please don't hurt yourself! I'm here if you need to email or write.

    Love you!,

       Jewel 

alright i might have a solution it may seem disgusting but it might help

evrytime u go near that place just thing if u dont go u might get !@#$%^ (ignore the link i have no idea wat it is) but just remeber that and it might wrk and before u doubt me im 15 k

YAY YAY YAY Our Prayers have been answered! ALWAYS remember I'm here if you ever want to talk or need some extra support...Just email me.

    Love and prayers,

         Jewel

Dear Sister,

   I think that's a wonderful idea to throw yourself into you work right now...PLEASE don't be hard on yourself and speak negatively to yourself.

   When do you have an appointment with Kris? 

   Thinking of you!,

     Jewel

Heart hugs...What is going on? I'm here if you need to talk...

  Love you!,

    Jewel

Amen Sister! So glad that you are in good spirits and enjoying the blessings in your life.

 Have a Great day off!

  Love,

   Jewel

Dear Friend,

  I LOVE those books!  I had them and sent them to a friend. 

  Sounds like were both back to living ONE DAY AT A TIME.

   I'm just so tired of slipping and don't want to be writing the same things this time next year...

   I'm so glad that you are getting yourself back on TRACK today! YAY YOU!

   My prayers are with you!

    Love,

      Jewel

Dearone,

  Thank you so much for sharing with me so honestly about your addiction. It helps to know that someone understands what I am feeling and going through.

   I wish that I could be where you are in this entry.Feeling the Joy...But I've messed up my brain chemistry.  Hopefully, I'll soon be back to normal.

   Glad to see an update from you!

   Have a Blessed Night!

   Love,

     Jewel

Nice entry. I think I'm gonna do that too... just sit outside for a bit and appreciate nature. Things have been too hectic lately.

Oh and I know exactly what you mean about sitting here with your fingers at the keys... then writing something but nothing comes after that... haha. Anyway the build up worked- you got a really nice entry out of it :)

   I hope that you know that I am here for you, that I understand, that I care.  If you ever needed me to I could call you!  I know that often when we are going through a depressive period we isolate.  I hope that you know you could always email me or write to me.  

  I use to have horrible suicidal thoughts and often before my meds started working.   It took me years to find the right combination because the doctor I USE to have wasn't working aggressively to treat my illness.

   I'm glad that Kris made you a list. I'd like to know more about what kind of list it was if you are open to sharing that. 

   I'm sending you lots of Love,

              Jewel

Heart Hugs My Sister.   I'm sorry that you are going through this rough patch right now...You seem very in touch with the issues that you are dealing with.  Have you tried talking back ot the negative thoughts with positive affirmations...they may 'feel ' like lies at first but then it takes root.  I usely say , 'I am the beautiful daughter if a loving God."

   I'm sorry that you're not able to enjoy your accomplishments and how far you've come...It must feel awful ot have arrived there and still not feel the satisfaction that you should be feeling. I look up ot you for daring to make your dream a reality and for doing the work that it takes.

   So Kris didn't think that you needed a med increase?  It sounds to me like depression has taken hold. 

  I'm here if you ever want to email or talk.

   Pulling for you!,

      Jewel

I know exactly what you mean about the inner outer beauty thing. When I hate what I see in the mirror, I have no confidence at all but when I like what i see, I'm FINE. It sucks, doesn't it. It's easy to say "don't worry about the weight", but harder to actually go on with life not worrying when the other girls seem to be jumping around in their itty bitty clothes.

I wish you knew what a lovely person I thought you were! I wish you could go into my brain and see that I know exactly what you're talking about. I think women in general feel like this... and it sucks.

Anyway regarding the weight, if you've got the money, I find that shopping helps. In the past year or so, I've had to go through about 4 different waist sizes of pants, believe it or not. I don't care about the stupid numbers on them anymore, and I love sweatpants.

Always helps to remember we only have one life too and not to waste it worrying about what other sh*t people think about us. We should be queens of the world and treat ourselves like it!

(PS: I can't stop eating ice cream. Like seriously tubs at a time. If you have advice for this let me know).

Best wishes with the Bake sale. YAY You!

  And YAY You for taking care of your health!

   Have a blessed day!

 Love you!,

    Jewel

Dear Sister,

   I'm so glad to read that you are determined to have a good day.  I pray that it goes well for you!

   I think that getting checked for diabetes is a good idea..You may want to have your thyroid checked as well- that can cause unexplainable weight gain.

   I could stand to lose a few pounds...But am not allowing it to effect my self-esteem..REMEMBER that you ARE the Beautiful Daughter of a Most High and Loving God! That is your true identity!

   I was glad to get your note and to read that you are feeling more on track with God! YAY

  Best wishes with the bake sale!!!!!!

   Love,

    Jewel

Hi, I totally agree with you. There should be tougher Gun Laws. But then again what do you do about illegal guns. In my country (India) it is very difficult to get a legal firearm, but illegal guns are so easy to procure. The result is so many terrorist activities in this part of the world.

I hate violence.

By the way, You semm to be very kind hearted lady. Please keep your sensivities alive. We need more people like you in this world to make it safe.

   Always remember that YOU are the Beautiful daughter of a Loving God!  That IS your TRUE Identity.

   Love you!,

       Jewel

   I'm so sorry that you had a bad Easter.    My Holidays use to be like that when Mom was drinking.   I cna understand your not wanting to celebrate them- I went through a period like that.  They were always filled with chaos and pain. 

   I've had to do alot of work at learning that there is nothing to defend and at watching my mouth...I use to fly off the handle and say whatever came to mind!   But then it occured to me that that wasn't who I wanted to be or what I wanted my life to be about.

   I would take a vacation from them as well if they are making you feel like zero...We cna not afford toxic relationships... I pray that things get better between you and your mom.

    I hope that you get to see Kris soon.

   Much Love,

      Jewel

Congrats on expanding your business! YAY you! 

  Have a blessed Easter!

   Love,

    Jewel

Dear Friend,

  Your precious letter meant sooooo veyr much to me..Thank you for taking the time to write to me while I was away...Still feel free to write anytime the mood hits you and I will write back.

  Thank you for being glad that I am back.

   I do believe that we would have hit it off in person.  We have so very much in common.  And we can really understand each other's struggles and appreciate each others triumphs!

   I think that we share a very close bond here because we share our most intimate selves...We have been blessed to have found people who appreciate and support us rather than judge us for those selves.

  I'm sorry to read that you are still struggling with depression.  Are they still working on your meds? 

   I'm sorry that the gambling was such an issue for you yesterday...You KNOW that I understand how relapse is. 

   I love and appreciate you more than you know!,

             Jewel

I like to think that we would have become friends no matter what.  You inspired me the first time I read your diary because you were just branching out into business and you really took a great leap of faith.  I am just grateful to have so met so many people here who I can really confide in without drama.  I hardly talk to anyone at work anymore which is really a blessing because I need to start to sever my ties with the industry, make use of my education, and walk away with no regrets as Celeste keeps urging me to do.  This is the reason why I truly respect your courage and spirit.  It is not easy to leave what you know, especially when you have small kids.  As for being beautiful, we all change as we grow older and realize that it is our spirit that must be cultivated in order to get the most out of our potential(though it is nice to think of the beauty we had in youth, both a blessing and a curse...lol).  You are a great lady.  Thanks for being such an attentive friend.

femmegirl

Dear Sister,

  I'm back!   Thank you so very much for writing to me while I was away! You're such a good friend and blessed me greatly.

   I agree with you about dreams..It makes sense to me that God would use them if He's going to have us sleep 8 hours a night.  I'm glad that your dream touched your spirit and helped you to put the past in the past and reach out to your mom.  We must be the Love that we seek to find in this world.

    You are very brave and open to listen to your dream and to examine yourself and to want to grow in such a way.

    I'm glad that you are seeing and counting your blessings..I HAVE seen you do so often in the past! It's always a Blessing to read when someone I love is so deeply blessed and knows it!

    Have a Blessing filled-weekend!

   Love,

     Jewel

We all have dreams that scare us sometimes.  I dont know what a dream like that means, except the clinical explanations...you want to be closer to your mom and you feel her drifting away from you for whatever reason.  Maybe you feel a bit alone or overwhelmed by all of the things in your life that are actually pretty successful.  It is when we have success that we fear losing it, remember that.  Keep your chin up.  You are strong and smart.  I admire your spirit. All will be well, you will see..femmegirl

Sounds like you have some wonderful new ideas, as always, for your business.  You seem like a brilliant and capable lady.  You have certainly been a supportive friend to me, even though I am just a stranger in reality.  I appreciate your wisdom and did read the beginning of your diary.  Guess I am not the only one who has ever felt this way and that does make a big difference.  Hope your business is thriving and your new creation flies off the shelf!

Best,

femmegirl

Hmmm, funny how things in others reflect those pesky things in ourselves.  I am now about 140 pounds and I feel so big that there is a hopelessness I cannot quite put away.  Suddenly I am the insecure child I have not been for years and years.  But, yes, the blessings of motherhood overshadow the darkness.  My baby is getting bigger and stronger and I love her more each day. It is true, there is a hint of depression that is tainting my life and it is evident in the way I feel about myself.  I dont even want to think about fading beauty.  I was a dancer for years and my livelihood depended on my looks.  I dont know how I will react to losing the virtues that fed me for so long.  Now I like to think that my education and my security in life protect me from hurting over this possibility but deep down I am still that eighteen year old girl standing on the stage for the first time, wondering if I am really pretty enough to make it in the business....I became quite a great one in my realm over time.  I dont care what other people say.  I am proud of my past and how much I have evolved.  And I am glad to have friends who understand my plights.  Even if I have never met you or Kat or Jewel, it means more than you know....

Thanks so much,

femmegirl

hmmm I think my weight is staying so high is because I buy goodies for the kids and I eat them.. If I didnt have then in the house them I prolly wouldnt eat em! ahh what am I asaying I have no motivation either!  I was thin too, had kids and now im well not thin anymore!

~LIZ~

   Thank you soooo much for your info...I will be emailing you mine!  I DO hope that we stay in touch..we have so much in common.  I'd hate to lose touch with you.   I WANT to keep up wiht you and how you and your business is doing. You should be very proud of yourself and all that you have accomplished.

    I'm wondering how you are with the bipolar...Update soon or drop me a note and let me know.

    Much Love Always,

         Jewel

Dear Friend,

   I'm wondering how you are...Please update soon or drop me a note..I have been so concerned about you!

   I'm going to miss you when I am gone. Thank you for your friendship and support...For sharing this rocky journey.

   You will be in my thoughts and in my prayers!

   Happy Valentines Day!

   Love,

    Jewel

  There is NO need to apologize to me...I didn't have a clue to what that was about.

  I'm so sorry that you are going through this episode and hurting!

   Heart Hugs,

      Jewel

Dear Friend,

   I'm sorry that you have fallen back into the gambling addiction. I know how that is.  I mean with the alcohol.   It takes alot out of us...Makes us feel like sh*t.  How fast it can all spin out of control.  I pray that you will be able to get back on track soon!!!!  

  I'm sorry to read that your appointment was a disappointment.   I'm glad to read that she upped your meds..and I do understand your concern about what's next when the meds stop working. I am on the highest dosage of each med that I am on.  I also went through a period of asking myself 'What's next when these stop working"...But reminded myself that there are other meds available.  Like you, I have decided to not spend my space or energy worrying about it before it happens.  

   Congrats on your business doing so well! YAY God! YAY You! You are living your dream other than the nightmare of addiction.  

    I hope that your day is Blessed!

   Much Love,

     Jewel

Hugs my friend...Please don't be sorry for being unable to keep up with me..You have so much going on in your life- a husband, a family to raise, your very own business!  I consider you a good frined as well...absence doesn't change that...

   I'm sorry to read that things are stressful for you at home and that your having to battle depression.  You know that I know how horrible that can be. Are they working to adjust your meds?  I recently had to have a med increase due to depression. 

   I'm praying for you and pulling for you!

    Love,

     Jewel

(((((((((((((((((((Sapph)))))))))))))) I'm sorry that you are going through this depression.   perhaps it's time ot have your meds adjusted.

  Much Love,

     Jewel

  I'm sooooo sorry that your sister is going through this. I said a prayer for her.  It's put you in such a tough position!  Hang in there.

  Love,

   Jewel

Dear Sister,

  I'm sooooo sorry to read that you are suffering with a depression. I've just come out of one due to a med increase. I do hope that you get your's increased..I want you to be out of bipolar pain...You know that nothing feels good when we